I wasn’t born a naturally nurturing person. Just this morning I was praying about this. It really concerns me, like, what in the world were You thinking, Lord, giving ME three children? I think God just probably gets a lot of laughs out of seeing me muddle my way through motherhood. More seriously, though, I wonder why, of all the people He could have blessed with fertility, why me? I am not sweet, nurturing, and I never liked babysitting. Babies just never really interested me. I am a free, independent, entrepreneurial, self sufficient type.
That’s it. Self sufficient, the one quality God made in me to place me in a state of complete neediness for His grace. He loves it. All the unknowns and the things that I am unnaturally inclined to do bring me to the cross. I find myself daily struggling with who I am in the flesh versus the vision God has laid on my heart to become. I find myself yelling at the kids, prattling on about things they are too young to comprehend, grabbing their little arms in frustration. Then I find myself grieved by my sin. Nothing has ever revealed my shortcomings like being a mom.
Yet He chose me. Me. By human standards I am a poor candidate for Mama. After all, I’m not even the mommy type. The fact alone that God chose me leads me to repentance. I am so humbled. I owe Him my life. It’s all I have to give.
Truthfully, it’s me who is being changed. It is my life that is being transformed and changed. The future of my children is in my hands. If I don’t change, how can I expect them to? It’s not ever going to be perfect, and I’m never going to be totally satisfied with my parenting. But I trust the God who is unchanging to provide grace for the missteps and sufficiency for the shortcomings. I wasn’t born to be a mama. I was saved to be Eliana, Ethan and baby #3’s Mama.